Thursday, September 9, 2010

The silence....


How could such a quiet creature leave such a deafening silence?

I moved my feet on the couch last night, having caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eyes of Mica who, of course, was not there. In his later years, Mica was less likely to greet my arrival home at the door, more likely to open an eye then settle back into sleep on his nest-like pillow. Unlike Petey, who even if you wake him up by opening the door, comes around the corner, grinning madly and wiggling like he's doing the watusi and sometimes emitting happy whimpers or little barks. And yet, it is Mica's silence I miss when I open the door. It's impossible not to look for him.

I've had a low barricade to keep Petey out of the kitchen (and out of Mica's litter box) so he won't bolt in and gulp down Mica's food. (Apparently, cat food and poopies are doggie delicacies.) Now it's no longer necessary, but I still automatically lift up my feet as I enter the kitchen. I decided that Petey can start eating his meals in the kitchen, rather than right outside it. And as I prefer Mica's white enamel bowls, I've decided they are now Petey's. So I put Petey's dinner in one last night and called him. Now, let me tell you—Petey usually eats so fast that sometimes I have to be sure I actually fed him, it's gone so fast. And after years of trying to get to Mica's food, suddenly he was very hesitant about going into the kitchen. Instead, he stood in the doorway and stretched himself at a 90-degree angle for a couple bites, then just backed off into the living room. Maybe it's too soon. He seemed relieved to have his breakfast out of his old bowl just outside the kitchen this morning.

I've been looking for signs that he realizes Mica is gone. This morning, he walked into the kitchen and began sniffing -- the air, the rug, Mica's empty bowls. He followed his nose into the living room, sniffing the carpet where Mica spent much of the day yesterday before letting out a sigh and going back to sleep in his favorite chair.

One more story in this already too-long post...

My Mom wore a gold pine cone on a chain around her neck. She wore it all the time — you can see it here in this photo.

I have since put it on a much longer chain and I purposely put it on yesterday as I knew I wanted my Mom's strength to be with me on this tough day. (I had my Dad's watch on as well.) After the vet gently gave Mica the injection of Valium, I was talking to him, whispering endearments, singing our silly song. I gave the vet the nod for the second injection and told Mica "Now, go find Mom and tell her I love her." He breathed his last. And when I looked down, the pine cone charm was pinned down by two claws on one of his front paws.

He had arrived. My message was delivered.

41 comments:

Barbara said...

Oh man....I'm so sorry for your loss. That pine cone thing stabbed me in the heart. It tells me that not only is Mica with your mom, but that she was there with you to take him with her. How incredible.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

The posts are NEVER too long -

As long as you have words to share, we will read them -

In turn, we get to do the same thing when we have them in our head, heart, and fingers -

The pinecone - THAT was part of his sign -

We always say to look for one they've made it - his journey was swift because he had already made it over his last few days here - he checked out what The Rainbow Bridge had to offer and found it purrrrrfect -

The final days before letting Kyrye cross at 15y1m16d, she was not much less than sleepy fur on some skin on some bones - yet the day we took her, she had her spunk again - I still say she came back to collect her body for her spirit knew she was ready - THAT was her sign to me -

See, we get to have long comments as well ;=)

Thinking of you during the days after - they are always a shock - and a return to reality -

But remember, he will be with you forever

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra's Mom

Oskar said...

My mom person is crying real tears of sorrow at your beautiful tribute to Mica and your parents.

We are so very sorry for your loss. We are sending pawerful prayers your way.

Nubbin' wiggles & hugs,
Oskar & his mom person Pam

doyle and mollie said...

i agree with khyra no important post is too long... we have tears streaming down our cheeks - the pine cone has become such a beautiful legacy of love, soul and spirit! after losing bodi cat, doyle pined afterall in a way she was his alpha after a few weeks we made the decision to get mollie a decision we will never regret! bodi continues to live on in spirit... loves and licks

Tom, Tama-Chan, Sei-Chan, Yuu-Chan and Bibi-Chan said...

No, it is not too long, and that last story is utterly wonderful.

#1 says she knows that sound of silence. It is almost unbearable. When Ikkyu went, she could barely stand to be at home. But after Sen-Chan, there was Tommy and there was Tama, and their gentle souls to help the healing. We are so glad you have Petey with you.

With many purrs, woofs and hugs,
The Abys of The Poupounette, Tommy and #1

bea's blog said...

.♥•⊱╮
What a beautiful tribute.
I also had many of my cats for long, for 18 and 16 years very often, but never over 20 years.
Although they had a fantastic and long life it is almost impossible to let them go. They indeed leave a strange kind of silence...
will walk the dog now and see the new star...nighttime already here...
very sorry for your loss - we are thinking of you.
European Greetings
.♥•⊱╮
Beatrice

Bouncing Bertie said...

It is only when our pets are gone that we realise the extent to which they have woven themselves into the fabric of our daily lives. When I lost Hamish, too suddenly, it took a while to accept his absence.
I shall be thinking about you and sending healing thoughts as you take time to adjust. At some point, the sadnesses of the recent past will give way to the pleasure of remembering your beloved Mica,
All the best,
Gail.

Gus said...

Wonderful tribute to Mica and your parents, and to your own spirit.

muzzer

Remington said...

Beth here....Oh that was so touching. The pine cone was amazing! I am certain it was a sign. I am crying right along with you. We lost our Keisha on Jan. 6th. She was only 14 years old. I also sang her silly little song to her when the time came and she laid in my arms. A time I will never forget. She was my little angel girl. She always slept by my head and I thought I could hear her breathing for a long time after she was gone. Then in May Ozabella came along. This 3 week old kitten who we thought was a boy and turned out to be a little girl. As she is growing she looks just like Keisha. She sleeps by my head just like Keisha did and has this little rattlesnake tail shake when she gets upset....just like Keisha. She has so many of Keisha's mannerisms. Maybe she did come back to me....who will ever know. I know how you feel though. The quiet of those noises we always heard and now are gone. Take care, my friend....

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Just let it all out - the post will never be too long for those who miss and loved Mica. What a touching post - and the part about the pine cone - tears again but tears of happiness.

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Maggie and Mitch said...

We can bearly see to type through our tears. We are so happy that Mica and your mom are together forever.

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Koobuss said...

Our hearts go out to you at this sad and difficult time. Please accept our deepest condolences on the loss of Mica. You can find comfort in knowing that Mica and your Mom are together.

Love and Extra Koobuss Kisses,
Koobie and Family

Toffee said...

As heartbreaking as it was to read this post through my tears it was so nice to read how your dear, dear mother was with Mica to guide him. Lovely.

much love,
alett & toffee

Noah the Airedale said...

Jane, I know how much you loved Mica. What a huge bond you must have had after so many years together. It's such a sad time. I'm very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and Petey.

Denise
Noah Willow Tess Lucy xxxx

Tesla said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

houndstooth said...

We are very sorry for your loss! It's never easy. I remember after our cat, Blizzard, passed away, I still could swear he was outside the shower curtain in the bathroom, a favorite morning ritual of his. I definitely understand the "too quiet" feeling. Our hearts are with you!

1000 Goldens said...

I'm so very sorry about your Mica and wish you comfort. We are glad your parents will be waiting for him :(

Agatha and Archie said...

Oh our hearts are breaking for you. We belive in signs andknow that your Mom was telling you a strong and powerful message and that Mica is snuggled with her. We send you tons of hugs and love and are thinking of you PL2 and A and A

Hailey said...

We are ALL here for you as you would be for any one of us. Never feel your blogs are long and drawn out. It helps us to know that we are making a little bit of difference in sharing your pain. It was an unspoken message of love from your mom that Mica was holding the pine cone. You are blessed and well loved.

Petey. We are so sad for your loss and share your pain. Perhaps one day soon you will find the strength to be able to eat out of Mica's bowl and smile a thousand smiles.

Hugs and smoochies xoxo
Hailey

meowmeowmans said...

We are so sorry for your loss. We are purring and praying for you and your family.

Beaglebratz & mom too said...

Beaglebratz mom here-
I strongly believe that Petey knew what happened to Mica - he was paying his final respects to Mica by staying out of the kitchen and not eating out of Mica's food dish. By sniffing around the places where Mica had been - he was affirming to himself that Mica had indeed crossed the Rainbow Bridge. As you know, you were getting all kinds of affirmations that Mica had safely reached his final forever home and that your mom was there to safely guide him.

It is so very hard to deal with that silence after one of our much loved furry companions crosses the Bridge - something I could never do vand in fact was scared of the thought. I knew Angel Oreo was growing in years - one of the reasons Shiloh became a part of my family only Angel Oreo surprised me by living another 6 years. After these two became best buds and when I truly knew that Angel Oreo would soon cross the Bridge, is when Shasta joined the family - Shiloh would need a companion and I had grown use to having 2 dogs around. And yes, Shiloh knew and was looking for Angel Oreo - I sometimes wonder if every so often as Shiloh stands at the fence, gazing out with a little bit of uplifted head - is he looking for his best bud? Probably not but one never knows - Shiloh could just be wishing he could get loose and hunt rabbits but who knows.

And where is the rule that says there is a limit on the length of blog posts - I have never seen one. It is a good thing, a healing thing, to write about what is going on around and inside us. I pray that you will soon find healing and solace in the memories of Mica.

TwoSpecialWires said...

Our hearts are heavy and filled with sadness for you, Jane. As hard as it was to read and imagine your last moments with Mica, we know that the power of unspoken communication is great. And true. It gives us some comfort to know that the strength of your parents was with you, and that messages were delivered and shared without a doubt.

Hoping tonight brings you some rest and peace
Jake and Fergi and Sally

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's never easy to lose a beloved friend, but we are so glad that he sent a very clear sign. We'll light a candle for Mica.

-Fiona's Family

Martha and Bailey said...

There is no doubt Mica has delivered the message to you mom.
It is true, the loss of our pets somehow connects with all our losses.
It will take a very long time to get used to life without Mica.
Perhaps like all losses you never really get 'over it' rather it becomes less painful with time.
Sending virtual hugs
love
V xxx

Penny and Patches said...

What a great sign that Mica is now with your mom! We are still keeping our paws crossed for you and Petey. And yes, dogs and cats mourn too. I learned that from my vet when I lost my first Airedale and my 10 year old cat on the same day.

Aire-hugs,
Penny & Patches

Milo and Alfie Marshall said...

Mom's weeping too much to type ~ so she just said: ((((((((hugs)))))

Stella said...

Thank you so much for sharing Mica's last moments and the Pine Cone with us. It is a lovely thing to think of your dear Mica being with your beloved Mom.

My Mom was a lover of phenomena and on the day of her funeral, I looked up and saw beautiful Sun Dogs on each side of the sun, which she loved. That was my message from her, and I thanked her for it.

Stella's Mom Jo

Jan's Funny Farm said...

What a lovely post. Animals do look for the missing furry and it is an adjustment for Petey too. Purrs and tail wags and a hug for your pain.

BeadedTail said...

We're so sorry for your loss. We heard about Mica from our furiend Khyra and came over to read this beautiful tribute. Our mom is so leaky right now she can hardly type but we wanted to send you purrs and let you know our thoughts are with you.

Clive said...

That was such a sad but special post - poor Petey looking for Mica but how Mica had your Mom's pine cone in her paws ... that was amazing.

look after yourself and Petey
love and hugs
Murray, Clive and all the family

K9friend said...

A lovely tribute. Thinking of you...

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

Scout 'n Freyja said...

I was just about ready to shut down the laptop and decided to come see how you were doing. Well, now I am in tears. Your accounting of your day and of Petey's reactions and the pine cone necklace - all such tender thoughts, brought home to me how deafening the silence is when we've lost someone we love so dearly.

Sending you my ♥felt prayers for healing.

Lorenza said...

I loved your tribute for Mica.
I am sure your mom and him are together now looking after you and Petey.
Take care
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Tweedles -- that's me said...

My heart is crying with yours right now, as I read your heart felt words. I too feel that Petey.. a very wise soul,,,, knows that Mica is at the Bridge.
The part about the pine cone necklace,,,, touched my heart,,,
I have a necklace just like it,,, when I wear that necklace, I will now think of Mica and your mom
I send you love,,, and I will sit by your side as long as you need me,
love
tweedles

Inky and Molly said...

Bless the Kitty Kat. We hope he made it over to the other side ok.
Beautiful mum, beautiful pine cone.
Wishing you strength and positivity in the weeks and months ahead,
Inky and Molly

MAXMOM said...

I was here yesterday to try and leave a comment...but my computer bombed on me...Sorry!
You are so much in my thoughts and prayers....each day, Jane!
The sounds of silence are deafening...I remember it oh so well....it will ease, my dear friend...hang in there!
Sending lotsaluv
MAXMOM IN SOUTH AFRICA

Jake of Florida said...

Jane,

You and Petey have been in our thoughts -- and I had to come back and reread your touching post. Underneath the sadness, it was so comforting to know that Mica and your mom had been rejoined -- and that Petey was showing respect -- and love -- for his departed brother.

I'm just so sorry we never got to meet Mica.

xx Joan and the Barkalots

Sorcha said...

That was a really touching post -

It's amazing how animals understand so many things we do.
The necklace was lovely,

Sorcha x

Benny and Lily said...

aaaah, we sure enjoyed that tribute to Mica. Lots of good memories
Benny & Lily

sprinkles said...

I totally get what you mean about the silence!

I lit a candle for Mica yesterday.

I used to have a pine cone necklace like that. I wonder what I ever did with it.

Angus said...

'Existence' is so much more than most people recognize.Sometimes its reflected in the most unexpected of places - like a pine cone. It also tells me that while there are blogs like this the world is a kinder more caring place.